Welcome to Dear Dr J Issue 4 Shame


Dear Dr. J. 


Growing up in a religious household, on top of being a woman, sex was always deemed as taboo. Now that I am grown, the thought of sex being taboo still haunts me despite willingly participating in it. How can I get rid of feeling ashamed so that it doesn’t affect my performance? How do I combat the stigma that women aren’t allowed to enjoy sex as much as men? Thank you in advance and I hope to hear back from you soon?

Signed, Sexy and Ashamed.


These are brave questions, and may need to be explored more in depth, 1-on-1 with a mental health professional. The desire to love, be loved and feel pleasure are some of the purest feelings that we have. Why then do we feel shame around them when they are natural to us? Issues of shame can be deep rooted in our childhood experiences, religious beliefs, and cultural norms. Each person processes these influencing factors differently than the next.


The feeling that what we are doing is wrong can be a difficult one to move past. Sexual pleasure related to women has been a taboo subject since the beginning of time. Women’s body autonomy has been up for debate and criticism for years and continues to be present in political and social commentary. In many instances, women have had to navigate their sexual health in both public and private forums. While sexually active or not, our sexuality is the most intimate part of who we are as individuals. 


These negative feelings toward self can manifest themselves in how we embrace our personal sexuality, as well as how we seek pleasure in our romantic relationships. Focusing on how we feel during our sexual interactions can help us to better decide who and what we want sexually. I do not believe you have to abandon your religious or cultural beliefs to have a sexually fulfilling and satisfying life experience. I do however believe that approaching sexuality from a sex positive viewpoint grounded in medically accurate information can lead to more acceptance of how we define personal pleasure.


We have to look internally to all aspects of ourselves, this includes sexually. This begins with education, and in some instances re-education. For decades women have been told what to do and how to do it as it relates to their bodies. We have been told that sexual pleasure is for men, and not for us. Women can and should experience sexual pleasure on their terms. It is not for others to determine what is pleasurable for someone else or for another group. We do ourselves a disservice when we deny a natural part of our being, instead of nurturing it properly.


I encourage you to explore what sex, intimacy and relationships mean to you, and identify what your personal beliefs are. How were these topics discussed with you as a young person? How do you feel about the lessons you learned then, versus what your life experiences are now? This may not be an easy task, and as I stated earlier, you may want to work through some of these issues with a mental health professional. 


Know that sexuality is an integral part of who we are, and that we are all different. Your sexual pleasure, is your business, and you get to determine what that looks like. So, drink water, stay hydrated and remember your pleasure matters.


Peace, love and orgasms,

Dr. J.


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Column Disclaimer for Readers

The information contained in this column is for educational and informational purposes only. ​The information contained in this column is not intended as, and shall not be understood or construed as, medical or health advice. While the professional does address sexual health issues, the information provided in this column is not a substitute for medical or health advice from a professional who is aware of the facts and circumstances of your individual situation. The views and opinions expressed in Dear Dr. J. are of the author, and not necessarily those of Elite News.

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