Welcome to Dear Dr J Issue 10 friends


Dear Dr. J. 


I have several friends that are gay. I love them to pieces, but find that people assume I am gay as well. This is potentially keeping me from meeting my future soul mate. How do I keep my friends and maintain my own personal identity as a beautiful straight black woman looking for love?


Signed, She is but I’m not


Let me start by saying that while there is nothing wrong with being a part of the LGBTQ+ community, it can be frustrating to be placed in a community to which you do not belong. This can be even more upsetting when it impacts matters of the heart or romantic desire. It would be easy for me to just say ignore them and assert your straightness, however, that may not be the most reasonable recommendation. I will say, reflect on your social circle, and how you engage with people outside of it. Ask yourself if others assume you are gay for reasons other than the company you keep. 


These comments can be well-meaning intentions, but still cause annoyance on our part. When it constantly happens. How we navigate our friendships, platonic relationships and other social networks can contribute to us unknowingly limiting our options for romantic relationships.  This can also lead to us sometimes being assigned to a group with which we do not identify, or someone applying a label to us that isn’t appropriate. Labels make others feel comfortable, and are not always given to us for our benefit. So, what do we do? We navigate slightly differently.


Having a set group of friends does not mean that you cease to exist as an individual. It is completely acceptable to have your own outside interests and hobbies. This not only allows you to grow personally, but it also creates alternative opportunities for you to meet others in a different environment. Don’t be afraid to mix it up a bit and try some new activities that are outside of your norm. Communicate to your friends that you are interested in meeting more eligible men, and that you still love spending time with them. They may have ideas, or even have coworkers or other friends that may be a good fit for you to meet.


If you find yourself swimming in a pool with a limited selection of potential mates, perhaps you need to change the pool in which you are swimming.  If you want to meet your Mr. Right or Mr. Right for the Night, you may have to venture out to more mainstream places where they are more likely to frequent.  Different places and experiences can do wonders for meeting people. Let your friends be your wing woman/man. Nobody knows you and what you like better than those that you spend most of your free time with. Your friends will support you, and understand your desire to expand your social life to include more dating options. 


Finally, if when you are out with your friends, and you are approached or referred to as gay, smile and politely correct them. “They are, but I’m not.”


Peace, love and orgasms,

Dr. J.


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Column Disclaimer for Readers

The information contained in this column is for educational and informational purposes only. ​The information contained in this column is not intended as, and shall not be understood or construed as, medical or health advice. While the professional does address sexual health issues, the information provided in this column is not a substitute for medical or health advice from a professional who is aware of the facts and circumstances of your individual situation. The views and opinions expressed in Dear Dr. J. are of the author, and not necessarily those of Elite News.

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