Welcome to Dear Dr J Issue 14 ready


Dear Dr. J. 


I am in my first real relationship, and my partner has significantly more experience than I do. We haven’t had intercourse yet, but I can tell that he wishes that we would. I have enjoyed what we have done so far, and I am ready to go all the way. How do I tell him that I care about him, and that I think I am ready to have sex? 


Signed, Ready-or-not


Let me start by saying that when it comes to sexual interactions, you should never feel pressured to go beyond your comfort level. You have enjoyed the relationship and intimacy that you have shared with your partner so far, and you want to continue to do so.  There are many other ways to express your feelings to your partner without taking the next step to be sexually active. Just like you can tell that your partner may want to do more, they can also probably tell that you are becoming a bit interested with the idea of going further.  At this point, you want to communicate what your limits are to ensure there is no confusion, and to allow your partner understand your feelings.


Having your first sexual encounter is a big decision. You want to have open conversation with your partner about safety, aftercare and relationship status. You want to be honest with yourself regarding the decision, and you want to be comfortable knowing that at any point you can change your mind. It is also important to communicate this to your partner. There may be questions that you want to ask of your partner, and in return they may have questions for you. You want to make sure that you all are in agreement with taking this next step, and also clear on what it means.


I would encourage anyone preparing for their sexual debut to take it slow, and truly make an informed decision. Discuss the last time your partner has been tested for STIs and what type of protection you all will use. Determine whose responsibility it is to bring the protection, and any other items that you all would like to have to increase comfort such as lubricant. These things may seem a bit obvious, but talking about them prior to the interaction can remove a bit of the stress associated with first time jitters.


Another area that is often overlooked is after-care. You want to know what to expect afterwards, or at least discuss things like how much time you will spend together post encounter. Will you want to leave immediately or would you prefer the opportunity to shower afterwards and stay together to cuddle for a while. Discuss what will you need to feel safe and taken care of from your partner. First times can be full of uncertainty, but they can also be full of excitement and pleasure.


Lasty, be prepared, but don’t overthink the moment. Remember that all bodies make noises, move awkwardly, and each one is different. Enjoy the connection, the closeness and the newness of the experience. Above of all be safe, be aware of how you’re feeling, and communicate throughout.


Peace, love and orgasms,

Dr. J.


Do you have a sexual health related question you want answered? You know what to do.  #goaheadandaskme. Send your questions and comments to, or use the contact me form at


Column Disclaimer for Readers

The information contained in this column is for educational and informational purposes only. ​The information contained in this column is not intended as, and shall not be understood or construed as, medical or health advice. While the professional does address sexual health issues, the information provided in this column is not a substitute for medical or health advice from a professional who is aware of the facts and circumstances of your individual situation. The views and opinions expressed in Dear Dr. J. are of the author, and not necessarily those of Elite News.

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