Welcome to Dear Dr J Issue 2 Toys


Dear Dr. J. 


My wife has suggested that we begin to incorporate sex toys during our intimate time together. I have never used a sex toy before, and this makes me a bit uncomfortable. Where do we start? Does this mean that I am not enough for her in the bedroom?

Signed, Batteries not included


Vibrators, and dildos and butt plugs oh my! Introducing toys in the bedroom can be intimidating and uncomfortable, especially when you aren’t sure where to start. It can also evoke questions as to why they are needed and be seen as “competition” as opposed to a pleasure aid. Let’s approach this from a pleasure centered perspective, and debunk a myth or two while we are at it.


Myth #1, sex toys are for lonely, horny women who don’t have a man

Many of us have seen or heard of a woman having her secret drawer in her bedside table discovered. While sex toys are often used alone, that isn’t always the case. Sex toys can be used by anybody for any body. This means that these pleasure aids can be used by all of us. They aren’t just women, not just for solo sex and definitely not for one specific body type, or body part.


Myth #2, women use sex toys because they are not pleased by their man

Self-pleasure and self-exploration can enhance partnered sexual experiences. No one knows our bodies and what feels good to us, better than we do. Being able to identify what we enjoy, helps us not only have a more fulfilling solo experience, but we can also share that information with our partner(s). When we think of sexual pleasure, we often focus on achieving orgasm. I am here to tell you that while orgasms are great, they do not solely define if a sexual encounter was pleasurable or not. 


Here are a few tips I recommend for bringing pleasure aids into your sexual experiences. Have a conversation with your partner(s) to discuss who and what the toy is for, and what that individual wants to accomplish. There are many types of devices of varying sizes, shapes, material, and of course price point. Does the person want external or internal stimulation? There are toys that vibrate, rotate, thrust, pinch and bend, among other sensations. There are toys that are soft, firm and those that feel realistic. 


Now that you have somewhat of an idea of how the toy will be used, it’s time to go on a field trip to your local adult store. Whether in person or online, there are many stores that have trained staff to guide you on selection within your requirements and price point. They are able to offer suggestions on best sellers, those toys that are great for newbies, and any precautions that you may want to take regarding allergies and such. If you have the ability to pop into a store safely, I encourage you to do so. Having the ability to touch and feel the product texture and weight is very helpful. If you are more comfortable shopping online, go for it and take your time selecting the best fit for your experience.


Now that you have made your purchase, you have washed and sanitized it, and made sure that, if necessary, it is properly charged, check-in with your partner again. Agree on how long you will use the toy for that encounter, or how you will stop if it is uncomfortable for either person. Take it slow and easy, as not to add stress or pressure to a new situation. Most of all, remember it is a pleasure aid. You can add it or take it away at any time. Have fun with it, and your partner.


Peace, love and orgasms,

Dr. J.


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Column Disclaimer for Readers

The information contained in this column is for educational and informational purposes only. ​The information contained in this column is not intended as, and shall not be understood or construed as, medical or health advice. While the professional does address sexual health issues, the information provided in this column is not a substitute for medical or health advice from a professional who is aware of the facts and circumstances of your individual situation. The views and opinions expressed in Dear Dr. J. are of the author, and not necessarily those of Elite News.

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