Dear Dr. J.
I have been with my partner for a few years now, and I am still a bit reserved in our conversations regarding sex. What can I do to be more comfortable talking about what I want in the bedroom? What suggestions do you have for someone who is relatively shy discussing sexual fantasies, wants and desires?
Signed, Too scared to share
Believe it or not, this is a question I get all of the time. Sexual interactions are some of the most intimate interactions we will have, yet it is a topic that makes many of us uncomfortable. Asking for what we want can be difficult, stressful and scary. It can leave the door open for us to be judged, made fun of or even laughed at. But it can also open doors to pleasure, enjoyment, and understanding. Here are a few tips to get you started.
Before approaching your partner, be clear on the message you are trying to convey. Is it that you want to try something new, discontinue something you all have done in the past, or is it that your needs aren’t being met in some way? Clear intent in your messaging will keep you on focus so that you go into the conversation with a plan. You want the conversation to be natural, so you want to make sure you are communicating effectively. You want your partner to understand the importance of what you are saying, by giving this some thought beforehand, you can better craft your thoughts.
The discussion should be two-way communication. Create a safe space, with uninterrupted time, for both of you to share your honest feelings about the subject. This is an important discussion, not an argument, so approach it as such. If you are nervous let your partner know, it may help to even jot down a few thoughts of things you want to cover. Give them time to process what you are saying so that they can respond accordingly. Allow them time and space if necessary. This may be a conversation that is uncomfortable for them as well, so allow them the time they need.
Be open to hearing feedback from your partner. While the discussion should be an open dialogue of your thoughts, desires and concerns, you also want to hear from them. How do they feel about what you are saying? This may all be a surprise to them, and they may have additional clarifying questions for you. You want to be able to explore the conversation fully with a non-judgmental perspective. Ongoing conversation should be welcomed, and depending on the nature of the discussion, you may want to check-in with each other regularly.
The more open we are to discussing topics around sexual health and sexual interactions, the more opportunities we have to become comfortable asking for what we want. Topics related to sex can be taboo for many reasons, and everyone has a different experience and comfort level. Approaching the conversation in a loving calm manner will carry it much further than approaching it aggressively.
The only way your partner will know what you want, is for you to ask for it. Your pleasure is just as important as theirs, both in and out of the bedroom. Finally, remember that these are your wants and desires, and sharing is caring.
Peace, love and orgasms,
Column Disclaimer for Readers
The information contained in this column is for educational and informational purposes only. The information contained in this column is not intended as, and shall not be understood or construed as, medical or health advice. While the professional does address sexual health issues, the information provided in this column is not a substitute for medical or health advice from a professional who is aware of the facts and circumstances of your individual situation. The views and opinions expressed in Dear Dr. J. are of the author, and not necessarily those of Elite News.
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