Welcome to Dear Dr J Issue 8 fetish


Dear Dr. J. 


How do I make it known to my partner that the fetish I have is something that I both desire and need regularly to have a fulfilling sexual experience? It doesn’t include pain or anything like that, but I do need it in order to feel fully aroused. How do I get her to participate?

Signed, Do it for Daddy


The thought of our partner having any type of fetish can feel taboo for many people. Let me start by saying kudos to you for sharing this with your partner. As with most relationship-based issues, an open and honest conversation is a step in a positive direction. Now that you have already broached the subject, let’s go deeper into how you can advance the conversation. If you are asking your partner to participate in your fetish for the first time, be prepared for a variety of responses from her.

You need to share with her why it is important, and how you would like for her to participate with you. You should also allow her an opportunity to share with you if and why she is hesitant and how she feels regarding this issue. If she is to be an active participant, she may need a better understanding of what you are expecting. You need to ask yourself what you are expecting from her, and if it is a reasonable request. What compromise are you willing to accept if the response is no, is her participation non-negotiable? Meaning, is her lack of participation a deal breaker for you.

Making requests of our partners to participate in new sexual and intimate activities can evoke a host of emotions from them. They may have questions that you have not considered and perhaps aren’t prepared to respond to. Is this a fetish that you enjoyed with a previous partner, is your current partner “competing” with past experiences? How would you like to see this new activity incorporated into your current relationship? All of these questions should be considered as you and your partner discuss your desires.

Your partner needs to feel as though they have a say and that they aren’t being coerced into something that makes them uncomfortable. Help them to understand why this is important to you, and how satisfying it is for you. Allow them to ask questions regarding their participation, and your participation with others related to this activity. Create a safe environment for them to respectfully decline participation in this activity regardless of relationship status. Not everything is for everyone, and that is okay. People shouldn’t feel threatened or frightened for responding in an honest way.

If your partner agrees to participate, then make sure you prepare for that as well. Is there any preparation that needs to take place? What if your partner doesn’t enjoy it, or feels weird, awkward or out of sorts? How you allow her to remove herself from those feelings without guilt or shame? Play out these scenarios in your discussion and make collective decisions. It should be an enjoyable experience for both of you. This may be something your partner is completely in to, and has been wanting to incorporate it into the relationship and didn’t know how to ask. 

Your pleasure matters, as does theirs. If it is uncomfortable or unmanageable for one, it creates an unpleasant experience for both. So remember, ask the question, respect the response and continue to communicate.


Peace, love and orgasms,

Dr. J.


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Column Disclaimer for Readers

The information contained in this column is for educational and informational purposes only. ​The information contained in this column is not intended as, and shall not be understood or construed as, medical or health advice. While the professional does address sexual health issues, the information provided in this column is not a substitute for medical or health advice from a professional who is aware of the facts and circumstances of your individual situation. The views and opinions expressed in Dear Dr. J. are of the author, and not necessarily those of Elite News.

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