Welcome to Dear Dr J Issue 9 orgasm


Dear Dr. J. 


I have been having discussions with my 12-year-old daughter about sex and sexuality. The other day she asked me a question I never really thought about. When is sex over? 

Signed, Daddy knows best


This is a great question, and I am always pleased to hear parents having open dialogue with the young people in their care. The misconception is that sex ends when the male partner ejaculates. This is a heteronormative perspective, and doesn’t take into account the various types of relationships that exist. The truth is that sex does not always end with one or all parties involved experiencing an orgasm or “cumming”. In essence, having a meaningful sexual encounter is based on the expectations set forth by those involved. 


Sex ends when one or all involved agree that it is over. This can be after one, both or none have experienced orgasm. We tend to place a lot of emphasis on the orgasm, when we really should be focusing on having a safe and meaningful sexual encounter. If orgasm is a part of that, that’s great. If it is not a part of it, that can be great too. What really matters is that each partner communicated their needs, and focused on being present in the moment.


Now obviously, we constantly hear discussions about chasing the “big O”, and while orgasm for many is easily attainable, that is not the case for everyone.  Age, health issues, as well as many medications can be a major influencing factor on if an individual experiences orgasm. If someone feels that something physical is going on, it is always best to speak with your physician or medical provider about it. Sexual pleasure can also be impacted by stress, or simply not being in the mood. Either way, we should not prioritize one person’s pleasure over the other in relation to sex being complete. 


Additionally, recent studies have shown that heterosexual women are having less orgasms than their heterosexual male counterparts, their lesbian counterparts, and less than gay men. The official term is orgasm gap, and it basically means that there is a significant difference between the percentage of women in heterosexual relationships and others when it comes to experiencing orgasm. This can be attributed to the idea that penetrative sex is the only way for heterosexual couples to have sex. Most women need some form of clitoral stimulation to experience orgasm, and that is not always communicated, or discussed. Understanding how and where to stimulate a woman’s body increases the likelihood of experiencing orgasm significantly. 


Partners need to manage expectations and clearly discuss their needs and limitations at the time they are engaging in any sexual act. If there are positions that are more pleasurable, share that with your partner. If there are turn-ons and turn-offs, share those as well. The bottom line is sex ends when she, he or they say that it is over. There is no magic timeline associated with it being completed. Communicate your needs and enjoy the experience.


Peace, love and orgasms,

Dr. J.


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Column Disclaimer for Readers

The information contained in this column is for educational and informational purposes only. ​The information contained in this column is not intended as, and shall not be understood or construed as, medical or health advice. While the professional does address sexual health issues, the information provided in this column is not a substitute for medical or health advice from a professional who is aware of the facts and circumstances of your individual situation. The views and opinions expressed in Dear Dr. J. are of the author, and not necessarily those of Elite News.

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